One day you wake up and you realize that there are people in your life that care more about how they portray themselves than about how they treat you. One day you will wake up and realize you have spent hours trying to help and be there for someone only to get left in the dust for people who were never there. You will realize that you prepared the feast for other people to enjoy. These people live their lives on Facebook and the amount of likes matter more than the people who are doing the liking. They think more about making everyone feel okay than about actually being okay.

And one day when you find one of these people, trust that they will hurt you. I am not saying it will be on purpose, but they will because there is no way to make everyone think you’re okay all of the time without taking all of your anguish out on one person.

You will allow it, make excuses for it, think progress is being made, but you are just preparing someone else’s feast. You don’t want to be someone’s release. On this same day you will realize that the people you thought would be there for you, aren’t. Don’t let these people break you, let them make you stronger. Walk away smiling because you know who you are and even if you don’t you’re on the journey to find you, not everyone else.

Besides when the world fails you, remember God has your back.

Today I am smiling because even though I am learning tough lessons and about to embark on a crazy adventure I am starting to remember what being happy feels like.  And I know it’s because I am finally putting my trust in the right place.

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again – my Savior and my God!” — Psalm 41:11

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My sign: Trusted no one.

FLIP

Finding trust through Him.

Today I am smiling for both sides of my cardboard.

I feel many of us recent graduates have a problem once we graduate. Some people have trouble finding jobs, others have problems moving past the “college-life,” and than there are the rest of us who have no idea what to do because many of the people we love are still in school. We are in different phases trying to pretend like we aren’t.

I am afraid. This separation between the “next phase” and the college phase is sometimes too much. It clearly proved that way. I hope that whoever stumbles upon this rant needs as much help as I do. I hope that I am not alone in this in-between phase of belonging. Maybe others find it easier and maybe that makes me weak. For the first time I am okay with being weak.

The point of all of this is that I am trying to get my life in the right direction. I am trying to meet new people that will propel me forward. I hope each day that I am making strides toward a better tomorrow and a better me.

Today I am smiling for moving forward.

Today I am smiling for THE BEST NEWS EVER.

Thank you to wonderful amazing doctors and the Lord for miracles.

I often find I ask too many questions and over think almost all of my actions, but this past week and a half has really knocked me off my feet.

It’s as if my whole world exploded and I’m scrambling to grab the pieces, praying I remember where they all go.

I feel I’ve gone through a fair bit of rough patches in my life, but this one is so unique, so unfamiliar.

I couldn’t imagine any of this happening, each blow came just as shocking as the one before. I pray all the time. I feel His answers, I swear I do, but then I question if what I feel is simply what I want to happen. What if I’m only fooling myself?

I recal verse upon verse saying for me to trust the Lord and to accept what he’s saying, but I keep getting pulled back into what-ifs.

I need courage and strength, but really I would give all mine away right now to my mom and family. I need wisdom and guidence, but again I would give it all away to the person I think needs it.

Life and death, it makes you reconsider what is important and it certainly makes you realize who is
important. It really makes you realize what you’ll be okay with and what you just won’t accept.

So again I send out my ramble…

Today I am smiling for my family, in good and bad health.

I am one sick person right now. I can’t remember the last time I was this sick, to be honest. I do know that my mind is not even that concerned with what is going on with me though. My mind keeps wandering…

I want to have the perfect thing to say. I want to have everything the way I pictured, but life isn’t black and white and sometimes you have to work hard, harder than you ever imagined for something you want. You have to fight like hell for it.

I am so confused. I need courage and strength. I ask for those things every time I pray. I also pray for the ones I love and the ones I know need guidance.

Sometimes the answers come and other times I am left to wait and see what will happen. I am trying to become a more patient person. I know it is a virtue and God is always looking for us to become better people.

When I went to write this blog I thought I was going to write about how life is complicated and how we may not always have a clear path with answers scattered around us, but clearly that is not where my fingers led me.

I do believe my path will be cleared in time. I will get stronger everyday. I will get healthier everyday, but today I am smiling for the path before me even if it is not what I thought I wanted.

Have a Little Faith In Me

I am so sick today.

In every way, I have a broken heart, a messed up back, and I am SICK!

I am trying to remember I have plenty of people who love me and want to take care of me.

That is my reason to smile today.
I hope each of you is having a better day.

Smile.

Today is one of those days that is hard to smile. I keep telling myself to be strong. Worse things have happened, but sometimes you need to be down which leads to my over-thinking and writing it out.

Normally, I would spill my heart out on a sheet of paper never to be seen by another sole. That isn’t what I am looking for though. I am looking to feel alive. I am just like every other 22-year-old trying to find their way in this world after college. It’s different and hard to be away from people you love as you all end up scattered around the country.

It’s hard to have the comfort taken from you. The walk is scary and stressful and it is easy to lose yourself on that journey. It is EASY to run and hid. It is EASY to become scared of growing up, but I have always been “beyond my years.” I have always looked to the future and tried to find people that compliment my path to success.

The problem with that is sometimes you let the people who mean the most to you forget that they mean anything at all. I forget that I need to remind people how special they are and important. I make mistakes. We all do. Sometimes these mistakes twist and turn your path into things you weren’t expecting.

So here I am. Trying to lift my head and smile, to not be defeated by pain. I am trying to fill the holes that I didn’t know existed. As today I am thankful for the people who listen to my cries, pains and troubles I am also fearful of what I am losing.  So today I leave you with advice that I wish I could scream from the tops of mountains for all to hear:

 “Be mindful what you toss away, be careful what you push away, and think hard before walking away.”

I also ask for everyone to take a moment and be proud of who they are no matter where their journey has taken them and no matter how hard the path may get keep your head high.

“I am confident because I can admit who I am, what I’ve done, and love myself for who I’ve become.”

I will find my smile again. I have smiled today, but for now the dark side wins. It happens and sometimes we have to accept that.

Today my reason to smile is simple.

Kelapo Coconut Oil.

Take a second and like their Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/kelapococonut

I never thought I would be this person. I sometimes do not recognize who I am anymore. I wonder if this is a common thing for a younger person fully entering adulthood. I sometimes wonder if it is almost a right of passage, or if I am an outlier. Am I alone? Does anyone else understand or are they all just thinking I’m as crazy as I think I might be?

Who goes to college with such a perfect idea of their future and comes out and has no clue what to do about work. I go from one job to the next, never happy… always wondering if there is something better. When will I stop? What will make it seem okay?

I send out all of these questions to cyberspace knowing that know one has the answers. I know that the answers will only be mine in time and in some cases they may never be mine.

I am left with wondering what will make me happy and what I will regret not doing.

I ponder on this question often, but I never walk away feeling any more resolved than before I started wondering.

I am happiest when I am making others happy, but I am also happy when I have the opportunity to tell someone’s story. What do I do with this knowledge? Where do I go from here?

I think I will regret if I do no try to sell my baked goods. I think I will regret not trying to help my sister share her talents. I will regret wasting my youth on working overtime. I will regret wasting my youth being too tired to enjoy the moment, spontaneity and trips.

I do not want to regret. I am a firm belief in that being a wasted emotion.

I send this ramble of nonsense off into the world for my own benefit hoping that putting it down in words clears the nonsense in my head. Today I am smiling because I know there is always something out there even when I am confused and maybe even a smidge lost. I am smiling for talent, friends, family and health.With all of that going for me it is hard to not feel that there is a light through the confusion.