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I don’t know if I will ever feel whole again, if the numbness will ever leave me. They keep saying time, but what can time do, but dim a mind? It cannot heal all wounds because some wounds run too deep. We keep saying it isn’t good-bye; we cling to our hope, our faith because what else is there?

I cry when no one is looking, so I can be strong when all eyes are on me. “Am I okay?” they keep asking and all I want to do is say, “would you be okay?” What is okay? I am sleeping, eating, breathing… I’m alive. Does that make me okay?

I find solace in knowing pieces of them will never leave, pieces will be passed down and down and down. Her famous red velvet cake that we have had at every celebration, his story about what can happen if you eat too much of said cake… I sit here and laugh, but want to cry. I knew when I learned the recipes that this was why.

I knew when I listened to the stories, kept the drawings, cherished the words written that this was why.

I knew that I couldn’t hold on forever, but here I am trying to hold onto anything I can.

I know these words are nothing, but a cry that I won’t let escape. I type them and re-type them, but nothing sounds right.

And just when I thought I wouldn’t know how to end this with a smile I hear a voice that says, “turn on the radio.”

That was all the reminder I needed. We are in better hands, she is in better hands, and while I feel as if the world should stop with me there is hope, there is faith.

Smile.