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It’s been almost a year and you would think it gets easier right? That life goes back to normal. That you don’t think about calling them or hoping they like your new boyfriend, but I don’t know if it does. All I could think about for a while after you passed was I have to be strong for mom. I have to be there for mom. You would want us to be strong for her and I hope we were, I hope we are.

I have this picture of you hanging in my apartment and I’m sure you just love that everyone who comes over sees it… and I’m sure you love even more that I’m sharing it here, but what can I say it makes me smile. It makes me think of all of the amazing things you gave me.

Grandma

You gave me everything grandma. You gave me love, you and grandad paid for my private school, and you gave me something no one else could give me… baking skills 🙂 You gave us bravery and showed us what grace looked like. You let me know I always had somewhere to go. You provided a family when family seemed broken. You gave me Wednesdays and Sunday mornings. You helped build my faith, by showing me what it looked like to love.

They say the holiday season is always the hardest when you lose someone and I’m trying to convince myself that October 30th isn’t some cursed day, but again this year it will prove to be one hell of a day the only difference is last year I didn’t know that I would forever remember the day before Halloween more than I would remember Halloween.

I’m crying and smiling while writing this because all I can think of are the inside jokes that I could put in here and have no person understand (Mom and Jenny, “Who’s insane?!).

I miss you. I miss your laugh, your smile… but there is so much of you in all of us, so much of you in mom. You were so much stronger than I ever knew Grandma, you were so much more than I ever knew and I wish I had told you that down here on earth.

You. Were. Amazing.

I love you. I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful for the life you gave us.